@JerseyGirl, thank you so much for sharing your survivor story; for being real & vulnerable, especially about the inner thoughts that accompany this type of survivorship. Heart to heart, thank you.
And thank you for sharing how the journey continues. Because it does. And that is honestly the blessing AND the challenge. 💝🙏
I too have a survivor story. Like you, in my early 20’s I had no will or want to live. My life, in my opinion, was not worth living and could find not a whisper of hope There were a lot of real factors involved. Depression and a situational emotional trauma . I shouldn’t have survived but did. Car exhaust carbon monoxide - took a sleeping bag, closed the garage door and snuggled under my car closest to the exhaust. I passed out from the carbon monoxide and was THISCLOSE to crossing over when a family member inexperience came home, found me and in a panic like no other, yelled my name and shook me vigorously to “wake up”. Caught or saved? It certainly didn’t FEEL like being saved. I saw nothing but darkness in my life. I felt unloved and worthless. I’m a very intuitive person, and to this say, you will NEVER hear me utter the words “I don’t n ow how I feel about that …” I ALWAYS know how I feel and maybe that sensitivity to being so hyper aware of my feelings and emotions played a huge part. I KNEW I wanted to die. Not your soap opera kind of cry for help. I was so far lost in my head and emotions that I saw nothing to give me the encoirwnfemt and will to continue. I was angry at myself for having failed (in my own head) . It only would have taken another 10 minutes or so before I would would have succeeded. Depression is a life long battle. The “want “ to die becomes overwhelming. It appears to be the only way out of the words and feelings of hopelessness that spin on 5 hamster wheels simultaneously in your head. There is no light to be seen at the end of the tunnel. Hell, there’s no tunnel involved at all, just a deep, cavernous rabbit hole of despair. I just wanted these thoughts to stop. It was seeking an end to the pain and torture and the only answer to end the hurt, self hate and pain. My attempt was not spontaneous. The desire to end my life was weeks and months in the making. This was the day I count bo longer bear one more day of life . The family member that discovered me saved me in more ways that one. I began a long journey of therapy to try and find the core of my hate and sadness I carried so deeply and secretively. I don’t recall giving any typical “signs” that would be considered a scream for help. The years that followed were not easy. There’s no switch to flick on for clarity. To all people who can’t relate to being in the belly of gloom and doom, I beg you to find empathy in your heart to try to understand the invisible and often misunderstood mind a person who’s will and hope has dwindled and dried to go on. 35 years later here I stand.I am still hyper sensitive snd intuitive to my emotions as well as others others. It’s the burden of being an empath. Some days I feel like Eeyore, other days like Rabbit. Bi polar moods are out of ones control. Becoming AWARE of your moods is paramount. Realizing you are in a “Rabbit Hole” is a “Jedi mind f#%k” I have a very close knit of friends who recognize when I go into mental hibernations these days, and with my permission, they are have my permission to reach out and call me out on it by checking in. Thry still realize it before I do. The thing with the rabbit hole is you are CLUELESS you are in one until someone pints it out or you finally start to come out of it on your own and see that glimmer of light and hope. No one should judge. Despair is an emotion many are unfamiliar with. Please understand that it can take just a nano second to choose to act. I acknowledge via self knowledge and scientific proof and awareness that I have a brain who’s wiring is off. Realizing that is HUGE. Living with having so much sensitivity is not an easy path. I am grateful to be alive and where I am today. I am in control as much as a person can BE in control. My self awareness game is top flight now. I now recognize that it’s the depression rearing it’s ugly head making me a silent and private shape shifter …. And now I choose to ride out these depressive times with a small phrase I add to a gloom and doom thought. You add in your head “right now” to these dark moments. Life sucks…. Right now. I feel like a failure …. Right now. A small piece of advice that had the superpower to make logical YOU ASARE ENOUGH to acknowledgment thst this situation is indeed TEMPORARY . Knowing that has been a game changer like no other for me and others I’ve shared this trick with . You are letting yourself know that this is TEMPORARY. That it’s going to pass, whether is be a current life situation or dealing with real tangible grief. The “right now” additive has turned my world for the better as well as others I’ve share this gem of a phrase with. I am so grateful for the opportunity to write about something I have never shared before. I’m no psychologist or psychiatrist….. but having shared that phrase with others in my circle that suffer the same emotional roller coaster has saved more people from a chronic and possibly life ending episode than I can imagine.
@JerseyGirl, thank you so much for sharing your survivor story; for being real & vulnerable, especially about the inner thoughts that accompany this type of survivorship. Heart to heart, thank you.
And thank you for sharing how the journey continues. Because it does. And that is honestly the blessing AND the challenge. 💝🙏
@JerseyGirl, thank you so much for sharing your survivor story; for being real & vulnerable, especially about the inner thoughts that accompany this type of survivorship. Heart to heart, thank you.
And thank you for sharing how the journey continues. Because it does. And that is honestly the blessing AND the challenge. 💝🙏
Readers & viewers, here is the direct link to the companion Recovery Story: https://open.substack.com/pub/buildbetterhumans/p/hi-im-kealah-and-im-a-mood-noob?r=18otdt&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Thank you, @jd_thejedi from Fragile Moments for the #Mental100 day challenge. Namaste!
I too have a survivor story. Like you, in my early 20’s I had no will or want to live. My life, in my opinion, was not worth living and could find not a whisper of hope There were a lot of real factors involved. Depression and a situational emotional trauma . I shouldn’t have survived but did. Car exhaust carbon monoxide - took a sleeping bag, closed the garage door and snuggled under my car closest to the exhaust. I passed out from the carbon monoxide and was THISCLOSE to crossing over when a family member inexperience came home, found me and in a panic like no other, yelled my name and shook me vigorously to “wake up”. Caught or saved? It certainly didn’t FEEL like being saved. I saw nothing but darkness in my life. I felt unloved and worthless. I’m a very intuitive person, and to this say, you will NEVER hear me utter the words “I don’t n ow how I feel about that …” I ALWAYS know how I feel and maybe that sensitivity to being so hyper aware of my feelings and emotions played a huge part. I KNEW I wanted to die. Not your soap opera kind of cry for help. I was so far lost in my head and emotions that I saw nothing to give me the encoirwnfemt and will to continue. I was angry at myself for having failed (in my own head) . It only would have taken another 10 minutes or so before I would would have succeeded. Depression is a life long battle. The “want “ to die becomes overwhelming. It appears to be the only way out of the words and feelings of hopelessness that spin on 5 hamster wheels simultaneously in your head. There is no light to be seen at the end of the tunnel. Hell, there’s no tunnel involved at all, just a deep, cavernous rabbit hole of despair. I just wanted these thoughts to stop. It was seeking an end to the pain and torture and the only answer to end the hurt, self hate and pain. My attempt was not spontaneous. The desire to end my life was weeks and months in the making. This was the day I count bo longer bear one more day of life . The family member that discovered me saved me in more ways that one. I began a long journey of therapy to try and find the core of my hate and sadness I carried so deeply and secretively. I don’t recall giving any typical “signs” that would be considered a scream for help. The years that followed were not easy. There’s no switch to flick on for clarity. To all people who can’t relate to being in the belly of gloom and doom, I beg you to find empathy in your heart to try to understand the invisible and often misunderstood mind a person who’s will and hope has dwindled and dried to go on. 35 years later here I stand.I am still hyper sensitive snd intuitive to my emotions as well as others others. It’s the burden of being an empath. Some days I feel like Eeyore, other days like Rabbit. Bi polar moods are out of ones control. Becoming AWARE of your moods is paramount. Realizing you are in a “Rabbit Hole” is a “Jedi mind f#%k” I have a very close knit of friends who recognize when I go into mental hibernations these days, and with my permission, they are have my permission to reach out and call me out on it by checking in. Thry still realize it before I do. The thing with the rabbit hole is you are CLUELESS you are in one until someone pints it out or you finally start to come out of it on your own and see that glimmer of light and hope. No one should judge. Despair is an emotion many are unfamiliar with. Please understand that it can take just a nano second to choose to act. I acknowledge via self knowledge and scientific proof and awareness that I have a brain who’s wiring is off. Realizing that is HUGE. Living with having so much sensitivity is not an easy path. I am grateful to be alive and where I am today. I am in control as much as a person can BE in control. My self awareness game is top flight now. I now recognize that it’s the depression rearing it’s ugly head making me a silent and private shape shifter …. And now I choose to ride out these depressive times with a small phrase I add to a gloom and doom thought. You add in your head “right now” to these dark moments. Life sucks…. Right now. I feel like a failure …. Right now. A small piece of advice that had the superpower to make logical YOU ASARE ENOUGH to acknowledgment thst this situation is indeed TEMPORARY . Knowing that has been a game changer like no other for me and others I’ve shared this trick with . You are letting yourself know that this is TEMPORARY. That it’s going to pass, whether is be a current life situation or dealing with real tangible grief. The “right now” additive has turned my world for the better as well as others I’ve share this gem of a phrase with. I am so grateful for the opportunity to write about something I have never shared before. I’m no psychologist or psychiatrist….. but having shared that phrase with others in my circle that suffer the same emotional roller coaster has saved more people from a chronic and possibly life ending episode than I can imagine.
@JerseyGirl, thank you so much for sharing your survivor story; for being real & vulnerable, especially about the inner thoughts that accompany this type of survivorship. Heart to heart, thank you.
And thank you for sharing how the journey continues. Because it does. And that is honestly the blessing AND the challenge. 💝🙏
(Reposted in the right spot!)