Features:
1. Blueprints to big feelings (i.e., disappointment) with co-regulation 2. Tools of the Trade: AFSP training 3. Toys that are tools
Impish elves & shaming Santas abound this time of year, teaching us all kinds of naughty nonsense about how to be in community. If you’re over it, please join my club.
Check out these resources that speak more to my own heart — & may just speak to not only yours, but the beating, budding hearts of the littles in your life. From not getting the gift they wanted (& not knowing how to react to that) to unconsciously aping those multi-generational patterns we parents are striving SO HARD to change (though it feels sometimes in vain) … there are more ways than even Santa’s list could name for BIG FEELINGS to block holiday joy this season.
My IG feed abounds with posts like these.* And my email inbox has longer, more detailed messages on the very same subjects: like this week’s newsletter from “Respectful Mom” Susan Stiffelman, author of the books Parenting Without Power Struggles & Parenting With Presence, on how kids & parents both can recover from disappointment when holiday gifting doesn’t match wish list expectations.
(*Am I missing a resource? 👇 Please share in the comments the fave you’d like to see included. 👇)
As my own Hanukkah/Solstice/Christmas/Kwanzaa gift to you this week (or my 3rd-week-of-December gift, if you don’t celebrate any of those), I am summarizing Stiffelman’s subscribers-only words of wisdom from her article, “This Isn’t What I Wanted!”
The scenario:
To “Aunt Louise’s” horror, Franky tears open her gift, then throws it down & throws a tantrum, shouting, “I wanted a PlayStation and these are just Lego’s!” As he marches off & slams his bedroom door, the grownups are left baffled by this seemingly spoiled brat.
The takeaways:
Since “Nothing is gained when we aim a spotlight on our child while they're struggling with difficult feelings,” let your kiddo breathe for a bit.
“Avoid lecturing your child about how they should be grateful.” Why? Lectures don’t actually foster gratitude. Help them name their feelings instead (like disappointment) as a bridge toward more mature mentality & emotionality.
Be realistic. Now is also not the time to compare them to their cousins who sweetly unwrapped their gifts without incident or to try to quickly shuttle your child into more positive feelings. Keeping your own expectations grounded goes a long way, too — unlike expecting your kiddo (who had that PlayStation, two other tech devices, & a “Lam-bo-gini” on their wish list) to maturely scale back their wish list fantasies on the fly. Choose a co-regulation strategy above (hint: the “co-” means it helps you, too!) & let your greatest gift be one of wholehearted acceptance of your child for exactly who they are.
AFSP, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, is asking for volunteers, as well as offering important trainings right now. Indiana state residents can register for their January Attachment-Based Family Therapy training now. Use the website at the registration page for lots more info across the U.S.
Looking for more ways to help your kiddo co-regulate — even when you aren’t available? SensaCalm’s Peaceful Pals employ pressure, body movement, comfort & autonomy. They work at home & in the classroom.
Psst! I had the timely joy of moderating a panel of Living Healthy List experts on the topic of Overcoming Overwhelm this holiday season. You can find videos on that & the Spiritual Resilience panel at the LHL YouTube channel.