Centering Thought: I naturally bring biases into all new human interactions, including my long-term romantic relationships. I can use the questions in The 3 Rs of Marriage© script to stay connected to my partner with curiosity and mutual respect.
Long-term relationships hold their own complexities for everyone. We may enter into romantic relationships with the best intentions … only to realize there are unexpected squabbles or even serious disagreements we weren’t prepared to face.
Why does this happen?
It’s easy to think the problem lies within us—or that the problem is solely the other person. However, the reality is that, first, any two people who spend a lot of time together are bound to become irritated by day-to-day life together and to take that irritation out on each other from time to time. Second, we all have unknown biases built into our viewpoints that skew our vision of the world. These different perspectives can lead us to assume that our view of “how things are done” is the only view (especially if we have grown up surrounded by others who seem to do things the same way). In our surprise that our mate does household chores differently than we do or on a different timeframe than we were taught, we can react negatively, rather than with curiosity.
Assumptions are often the cause of such friction. Boredom can be another common cause. So can our expectations: “Am I going to have to deal with this difference,” we may think with dread, “for the rest of my life?”
Examining our biases, expectations and assumptions can challenge us to be more curious, open and kind through these disagreements.
Conflict will always happen within any human relationships. One script we can use with our long-term partner is something called The 3 Rs of Marriage©:
Take turns asking your spouse or partner 3 questions:
1. What’s one thing you RECOGNIZE that made you feel loved today?
2. What’s one thing you did to RETURN love to me today?
3. What would you like to REQUEST that I do to show you love tomorrow?
When we recognize, or receive love, we do a big job that’s a very important aspect of a mutual relationship. Intentionally returning love in ways that we know makes our partner feel special—through acts of service, kind words, quality time, gifts or physical touch—is the other half of that “big job” of mutuality. The grease that keeps the marriage, or long-term relationship, wheel turning is, of course, communication. That’s why using our words to speak up and request specific things we need helps us to stay connected respectfully.